Leap of faith

Today (Sunday, 8th October), I flew.

I finally took a flying leap of faith out of a plane (safely strapped to an instructor) for my first ever skydive.

It's been one of the items on my "List of things to do before I die" which I had began compiling when I was in my early teens. It was one of the scary but exhilarating things I thought I'd never have the guts to do but would definitely want to experience in my lifetime.

I'm a 'fraidy cat you see. In general, I'm afraid of pain—sharp items (knives, needles etc.), fire. I'm afraid of cockroaches. Sometimes the dark, but mainly because it might contain cockroaches and creepy crawlies—this was when I grew up in the tropics. I was also afraid of heights. Am also afraid of heights I mean.

As a child, I rarely climbed ladders, the few times I climbed up a ladder, I could only go up the third step from the bottom. I'd be gripping the sides of the ladder very tightly and would have to repeat in my head: "ok don't worry. breathe. breathe. don't look down."

When I went hiking in the Snowdonia a few years ago, and it raining and we were high up having to scramble over a huge pile of wet and slightly unstable loose rocks, or we had to walk along a path with a sheer drop on one side, I walked at an excruciatingly slow pace. And it was only at the end of the scramble/walk and I let my breathe out and fresh air whoosh into my lungs. I didn't realise how carefully I'd been calibrating my breathing. And I told myself that I should never put myself through that kind of hell again.When I went skiing in Torgon last year I fell down so often precisely because I was always so terrified of falling down.

My list of things to do before I die was deliberately ambitious so I would challenge myself, grow, and not allow life to pass me by. I have since lost the list (or it is hidden somewhere in my house in malaysia), but I remember a lot of it. And I know that a large chunk of the list will have to be written off. They will not be achievable/I'm not sure I think they will be worth my time and effort anymore. Chief among those are my stated aim to live/work for two years each in the then Big-5 economies/countries in the world—UK, US, Germany, France (or was it Russia?), Japan. I have done that for the UK. And, who knows.. might very well do that for the US too. But the rest... I think that would take too much time for too little returns. My time and effort would be better spent elsewhere.

But among the extreme sports/sports that I wanted to try were skydiving, bungee-jumping, paragliding etc. The major constraints for me were: 1) money, 2) fear. The truth is, one of the reasons why I want to make money is (frivolously enough... and I will not often admit it) that I need funding for my scatter-brained/hare-brained ideas of what I really want to experience. For example, there's a LOT of travelling involved in my List.

Somehow, skydiving/bungee-jumping was probably among the less likely things that I expected to actually achieve. I am Really scared of heights. I wouldn't characterise it as acrophobia—that would be too extreme. It suggests a Debilitating fear. But to my mind, my fear is pretty serious. I've barely ever taken roller coaster rides for example. I think I've taken a maximum of 5 in my life. And that was during my summer stint at a theme park (Lake Compounce) because, well, it was there, and free, and I figured I'd better to do it some point before I die anyway. Particularly if I had aspirations for more extreme activities.

But sign up I did for tandem skydiving. I wasn't scared the night before going. Not on the morning itself, although I was thinking eating before the dive probably wasn't a good idea (but I eventually scarfed down scrambled eggs with toast and a hot chocolate anyway). Not even when we got onto the plane. My strategy was to ignore it.. not think about it and just deal with the fear and the reality when the time came. A big part of it was also that I had absolute faith that I was in good hands. In safe experienced hands and nothing would go wrong from a technical point of view. Although during the final briefing by my instructor Gary, I told him that I was afraid of heights, and that he should probably push me off the plane, otherwise I might never jump.

We were thousands of feet up in the air. The sliding door opened. I saw a sea of clouds and some blue sky. The wind was rushing. The engine, or was it the wind? was loud. The first experienced guy stood up from a corner of the plane and flung himself gloriously, exuberantly out of the plane. I barely had any time to be shocked or scared after my initial rush of being impressed, and we were already shuffling on our butts to the edge of the plane. Looking out, down... I suddenly felt light headed. I barely had time to regret, to think, to be scared. It was too late. I choked off the thought: No you are doing this! Instead of looking down, I assumed my position: hands under harness, head up and back (on his right shoulder), back arched, hips out, legs bent under the plane towards my butt. I half-thought: should I close my eyes? And I was swinging, rocking back and forth. I thought I had already jumped (wow that wasn't scary, went my surprised internal voice) and in that moment when my mind was split three ways: considering whether I should close my eyes, registering my body movement and interpreting that as me having jumped, realising this was it and it wasn't that scary at all after all—it was then that I thought I heard: "Alright here we go" and whoosh I found myself hurtling down. My mind was still too diffused, too distracted and surprised to be afraid. I saw the multi-hued squares of green farmland below me like a patchwork quilt. The wind beat up against me. I felt my cheeks being flapped upwards, creating an involuntary grin/grimace. I felt surprised and my mind was registering a few things at the time: Oh... the earlier swing wasn't the jump, that was trying to gain momentum, oh... this is not so scary.. wow.. my heart didn't feel like it was lagging my body (ie. being jerked out of its rightful place the way it felt on one of the roller coaster rides). I remembered the instructor saying: if you have difficulty breathing, give a shout. I could breathe. Incredibly easily. I was not scared anymore. I'd done it! I was flying. Free falling through air. I felt the joy bubbling up within me. And I shouted just for fun. I laughed. I giggled.

My leather cap had been too loose and my goggles weren't fastened tightly enough either, so one of of my eye was half closed by the goggle riding up against my cheek due to the wind resistence during the free fall. I used my hands to try to adjust it. Once, twice... it wouldn't work. And I was laughing inside, thinking: this is Comedy Central. I'm free falling through air and space, and I was at leisure to happily fix my goggles. That was how comfortable I felt.

It was time to release the parachute. There was a loud sound. And I was jerked upwards. Up up up. Then it stopped. I slowed down. I felt like a dandelion seed. Floating ever so lightly through the air. Gary let me maneauvre the parachute a little bit (with his guidance). Pull on the right. And we were spining on the right. Let go. And we upright again. Pull on the right. And we were spinning again. A light headed, semi dizzy feeling.. but a comfortable one. And up again. And so it went. All the way to one thousand, when the instructor took over again for the landing.

We landed. Gary and I shook hands. And I thanked him.

I was all smiling. A second wave of adrenaline rush kicked in.

If I did it again, I would like to do it with a view to going solo someday. It wasn't as scary an experience as I thought it would be, probably because I was completely distracted during the initial jump off, and the full force of the fear didn't impact e. But that was great. Having done it once, I can do the tandem again. But the real test would probably be in diving alone. Challenging myself to have the guts to take that flying leap, solo.

That's what bungee jumping is like actually. Because in bungee jumping, unless I'm mistaken, I think you always jump alone. And that's seriously scary. That needs real courage. Despite my successful skydive, which I half never expected to accomplish, I'm not entirely sure if I will end up bungee jumping one day.

I hope I do.

Tomorrow is another day...